I'll sing it one last time for you, then we really have to go.

A week that - musically speaking - begins very strong, and ends almost as strong, but which had monumental volumes of SHITE in between.

Day 58 - A.A. Williams - 'As The Moon Rests' 

I love A.A. Williams to death. Ever since I heard her collab with Mono, I knew she was one to watch. And I've listened to pretty much everything she released. But - and don't ask me why - I never got round to listening her latest album. And it's amazingly good. She has one of the most beautiful and saddest voices I've ever heard, and it's no exaggeration when I say that the least good songs here are miles better than the best you can hope to find anywhere else. Lyrics, instrumentation, production are all top notch. An excellent 9/10

Day 59 - Anna Von Hausswolff - 'Iconoclasts' 

I listened to and enjoyed the first couple of her records, and found them very, very good. Very different, naturally very organ heavy. Returning to her wasn't as easy as I'd expected - I found this album to be different from the others, or maybe different than what I might have been expecting. This one was just OK, not very memorable - at least not for me. 6/10.
Day 60 - Chelsea Wolfe. - 'She Reaches Out To She Reaches Out To She' No problem in admitting that I only listened to her because way back when I was trying to bang some goth girl. But unfortunately I just couldn't get into her. And I tried - I bought and listened to every single album of hers, plus a few collabs, and nothing ever clicked with me, really. A song here and there, and that was it. And the album that came before this one was supremely disappointing for me, I was expecting it to be something it was not. And, in truth, this may be the album I was expecting back then. Really liked most of it, maybe only a dud or two. A good 8/10
Day 61 - Emma Ruth Rundle - 'EG2 : Dowsing Voice' 

I firmly believe that people who knowingly choose to unleash such atrocities upon the world should be chained to a post and whipped within an inch of their lives until they finally repent and denounce their works. This wasn't just the worst thing I listened to this week, or even the worst thing I listened to this year (at least so far), it's single handedly the worst piece of shit I've ever listened to. I'll give it a 0/10 because I can't give negative scores.

Day 62 - Zola Jesus - 'Arkhon' 

There's a story I told many a time to whomever might be listening to me, but which I'm not too sure if I ever actually wrote down. Back in 2014, when I started working at my current job, I was doing something quite similar to this exercise, though I didn't last as long as I am planning to this go around. But I did find out a lot of artists that in the following years I'd be listening to a lot - some I even plan to revisit, if I can remember them. That said, one artist I discovered was Zola Jesus. Now, I can't really remember when it was, but maybe a year or two later I was fucking this girl who was into her as well. Eventually, there was a gig in one of the local venues showcasing none other than Miss Jesus herself. So we decided to go, and it was a hell of a concert. I had never seen much of her before, other than some videos and the photos of her in her records, so I was a bit shocked to find out how tiny she was. Tiny in size, but with a giant's voice. Sometime during the concert, she hops off the stage and goes around through the crowd - which wasn't that huge - and sings all the while she's moving through the people. Then when she walks past me, she stops right in front of me, looks me dead in the eyes, and sings whatever she was singing, this tiny wisp of a woman with a thunderous voice, and she lingers there for about 30 seconds or so - which to me seemed to stretch into infinity - and I could feel EVERYONE'S eyes on me. Like, 'who this motherfucker think he is?' kind of vibes. And then off she goes up to the stage. And for the rest of the gig I could still feel people throwing eye daggers on my back.

Now back to our regular scheduled programming : the album. I bought it. Two different editions of it, actually. Never listened to it. When it came out I was starting to feel a bit too burned out, and I'd either listen to the same songs I always end up listening, or I'd listen to nothing at all. So this remained on the backburner, waiting for me to one day pick it up. And I have to say that I really liked this album, moreso because it came after the ERR debacle. A very strong effort for sure, deserving of a good 8/10

Day 63 - Reverend Kristin Michael Hayter - 'SAVED!' 

Now, let me go back the stuff I tried listening to when I was trying to score some hot goth pussy. This lady here went by the name of Lingua Ignota, and while I found it roughly OK, it was mostly 'meh' with a capital 'M'. Now, I understand that there are people who like her sound, and hey more power to them. There's nothing wrong if something isn't for me, but it's for someone else. And after some very serious personal issues, this beautiful lady laid the Lingua Ignota moniker to rest and is now known as Reverend Kristin Michael Hayter. You know, I could sort of kind of guess this was maybe something religious? And you know what? It is. And I have no idea whether or not this is really religious or mock religious, but I do know that this was embarrassingly bad. Almost as bad as the ERR record, except this one actually has some 'melody'. And don't get me started in the idiocy that is the last song, where half of it is crying. It gets a 1/10, just edging out the ERR record by the tiniest fraction.

Day 64 - Marissa Nadler - 'New Radiations' 

Ah, back to the good stuff. There was this gorgeous girl I thought I had a shot with years ago - I didn't - that was my online friend. And she had the most amazing taste in music - like everything she posted I loved. One of her suggestions was the lovely Marissa Nadler. I can't be too sure if I ever listened to a full record or not, or if it was just random assorted songs, but I did know I really enjoyed her. So I listened to her latest, 2025's 'New Radiations', and by jove - I absolutely loved it. Again, maybe because it comes after such an awful experience with the previous day's records, it ended up feeling that much better of a palate cleanser. Be that as it may, this was a cracking one - title track 'New Radiations' is beautifully haunting. I suspect me and Marissa will be going on a lot more dates in the future.  Thoroughly deserving of a solid 8.5/10

More ladies to come. I'm putting off some decidedly painful listening to be had sometime soon.

Do you hear my heart beating? Can you hear that sound?

A rather mundane week, where I was looking for nothing more than for Friday to arrive and for me to have a week off work, saw me catching some flu bug thingie or the other and I spent most of my weekend sweating and having hallucinations. Ish.

Better now, though not much.

Day 53 - Nina Nastasia - ‘Songs for a World of Trouble’

Over twenty years ago I listened to an album of hers - ‘Run To Ruin’, and I remember really liking it. Never gave her another listen, probably. I almost wish I hadn’t. This one wasn’t good, I found it very repetitive, honestly felt like I was listening to one very long song. A 5/10 because I was in a generous mood.
Day 54 - Shannon Wright - ‘Providence’

Who? Dunno but really good. Came as a suggestion on Apple Music, took one look at the girl with bangs, and I am a sucker for girls with bangs. Let it play, really loved it. A very solid 8.5/10
Day 55 - Jenny Hval - ‘Iris Silver Mist’

I’ve known her for ages, and I liked what I heard from Rockettothesky, but in truth I didn't even know it was the same person until years later. Listened to one of her solo albums years later - ‘Blood Bitch’, hated it. This one starts off well and here and there I can hear some of the older Rockettothesky stuff. Experimental at points, which is something I've never been a fan off. Call me crazy but I like my music to be, well, music-y. Not bad but not great either. 6.5/10
Day 56 - Kelly Lee Owens - ‘Inner Song’

Who? Dunno but not that good. Too samey though I did like her voice. But it ends up being a bit on the dull side. 6/10

Day 57 - Azure Ray - ‘Remedy’

Loved their debut album, at a certain dark point in my life it became one of my go to albums. But I’ve not listened to them in god knows how long. To be fair I was under the impression they were no longer around. This album is actually very very good in spots, only somewhat good in others. Tracks 'Swallowing Swords' and 'The Swan' are the true highlights. Pretty good 8/10, if I do say so myself.

Day 58 - Beach House -‘Once Twice Melody’

This is one of those bands that I can absolutely recall where I was when I first listened to them, and I got to listen to them because of a conversation I had with this guy who was my boss’s boyfriend at the time. I’d met them in some bar, they guy was halfway wasted already, and I kept hoping that they break up that night because I actually fancied my boss, but alas, the girl wanted nothing to do with me. That said, we were talking about music, and I asked the guy if he had like a desert island band - something that he could listen to for the rest of his life - and he replied ‘Beach House’. Curious, I went and searched for them online, promptly downloading their entire discography. They’d just released an album, and that’s what I gravitated to. Initially, I confess it didn’t do much for me - I was in a different mindset at that time - and some time later I told the drunk guy that I’d finally listened to the band. ‘So what did you think? Did you not just love it?’, he asked. ‘I mean, it’s all right.’, I replied. ‘Not sure if I like his voice or not. A bit weird.’ And he looks at me nonplussed ‘His voice? They have a girl singing. Are you sure you listened to Beach House?’, and I quickly used my Blackberry to do a Google search, and yep, I had listened to them all right. I just didn’t know it was a girl singing…. If I’m honest, then I’ll say I didn’t pay that much attention to them right after. But about a year and change later, I found myself returning to them and absolutely loving them. And though I hadn’t listened to one of their records in ages, I decided to give their latest a try. Is it good? Well, yes and no. It’s a double album - something I rarely enjoy. I find that almost always double albums are so filled with, well, fillers, that they could’ve easily been a single record album. Hell, push came to shove and some of those records could’ve been a killer EP. Getting back on track, there’s a lot of good here. But ultimately, I could condense it to maybe a standout track from each side, and it would be a perfectly great record. But this is a me thing. Maybe others won’t mind, heck, they’ll even be happy for double the fun. Not me, though. It’s a 7/10, and that’s stretching it a bit, not helped because I was feeling under the weather when I played it.

Day 59 - Soap&Skin - ‘From Gas to Solid / You Are My Friend’

Jesus, I love her debut album to death. To death. But sometimes I have this very weird thing where I listen to one album by a band that just blows me away and then I go back and listen to their stuff and it’s just not that great. Or maybe nothing they release afterwards is any good. So what I started doing years and years is to actively not listen to anything else by a band, even if it’s just a song I actually like, and not a whole album. Sometimes I’ll go back to a band and realize I’d missed out, others not so much. That’s precisely what happened with Soap&Skin. I loved ‘Lovetune For Vaccum’ so much that for me it could exist like that forever : perfection trapped in amber for all time. But I always knew that sooner or later me and Ms. Plaschg were bound to have another date, and so here it is. Did I like it? Yes. Did I like it as much as the other one? No. And, you know, that’s perfectly OK. I wasn’t really expecting to be wowed, but I wasn’t let down either. It’s good, not just as good, and that said - it still warrants an 8/10

More ladies next week, and I think the week after as well, though I do not relish that bit that much.

I called today, but missed you again : today's the day I go up in flames.

I decided to stick with the ladies for this week, though if I'm honest there was plenty of fellas involved because most of what I listened to this week fell under the 'Beauty & The Beast' umbrella. Which, for those who aren't in the know, consists of two or more forms of contrasting, sometimes simultaneous singing, usually male growls and female soprano/alto or male tenor, including multiple variations thereof. When it works, it's really really good, when it doesn't it's really really goofy. For my money, nobody did it better than Theatre of Tragedy, and pretty much all the bands that followed suit fell short. My choices were bands that I knew of way back then, but never really paid that much attention to them, I knew maybe a song or two at best.

Day 47 - Sirenia - '1977' 

Never listened to them before. This was... eh... good, found the singer's voice to be only OK-ish at best, maybe a 6.5/10
Day 48 - Tristania - 'Darkest White' 

I only knew a song by them - 'Deadlocked' - which I love. This one? Wholly forgettable. Poppy at points, very meh. A whopping 5/10

Day 49 - Dreams Of Sanity - 'Komödia'

The only thing I ever knew about this band was that one of Therion's female singers - Martina Hornbacher - had been a part of it. Never felt the interest to pursue them. Missed out, for sure. This was really good, with  the kind of subpar mid-to late 90's production I miss, and that really scratches a weird itch. Be that as it may, had I listened to this back in the day, I would've loved is just as much. Fully deserving of a 9/10

Day 50 - The Sins of Thy Beloved - 'Lake of Sorrow' 

Meh... this is Theatre of Tragedy lite, with some passages that seem lifted directly from the first couple of albums. A good song here and there. 6/10

Day 51 - Trail Of Tears - Another one that was almost completely forgettable. Maybe a couple of good songs? I can’t even remember. 5/10

Day 52 - Kari Rueslåtten - 'Sørgekåpe'

Kari, she of The 3rd and the Mortal fame. She of the sweetest voice I ever heard. She, whose voice I searched for in many singers and never found. Not even in her, in fact. I recall some twenty years ago or more listening to some of her solo output and I couldn't even tell it was her who was singing. I never sought her after that. And what can I say about this, her latest record? Beautiful, delicate, and though I can't understand a word of it, here and there I could hear a bit of that sweetness in her voice I knew of old. And, strangely enough, I was also very reminded - both vocally and instrumentally - of Valravn in spots. And at just 38 minutes long, it really does not overstay its welcome. The second 9/10 of the week.

Day 53 - Liv Kristine - 'Amor Vincit Omnia'

Liv Kristine was, of course, Theatre of Tragedy's 'beauty'. I remember buying her first solo album back in 1998, and not really enjoying it. Sure, it had a very poppy collaboration with Nick Holmes of Paradise Lost, right when they were smack dab in the middle of their electronic era, but the rest of the album I just found a bit too dull. Never listened to it since that one time. And now here I am listening to her latest. And it starts off pretty well - the song that shares it title with the name of the album - harks back to her Theatre of Tragedy sound, with male growls provided by husband Michael - and I'll admit at first listen I thought they were by Raymond, who was Theatre of Tragedy's 'Beast'. But my hopes of a full album in such a kind of metal were soon dashed. The album is certainly diverse in terms of how the songs are, and some of it is good, other bits are just ok. It's just my opinion, and it's worth what its' worth, but I find Liv's voice peaked in Aégis - songs like 'Cassandra', 'Siren' and 'Venus' are just so goddamn beautiful. I'm not sure what I was expecting, and I'm not really disappointed, but for some reason... I found it a bit lacking. It does end on a positive note, though. It's a 7/10

I want to stay at least one more week with ladies before I do something that will be (mostly) hard and painful. Problem is I can't think of many more that would make some sort of sense because they'd likely not sound anything like each other, in terms of music styles. I dunno yet. We'll see.

We can never be closer, somehow, for the moment that lasts is this moment now.

A week punctuated only by a rather unexpected call from my best friend, which saw me leaving the abode to go and have dinner with him. A very posh affair - at least for my standards - but the night was fun, if maybe a tad too heavy on the booze, though not in the quantities thereof imbibed, but rather there was some mixing of the beverages that could’ve easily gone awry. More household drama, more money going out the window for silly reasons, and not even the games I’m playing provide much - if any - respite. On that note, I’m looking to start writing on the regular about them. But first I need to finish a post I started writing this past week, and I’lll have to rework it a bit because I was distracted. And by my 2005 or thereabouts self, no less.

Now, on to the music. A week spent with the ladies, and to be honest - it wasn’t as much fun as I’d anticipated. Pretty much all of these artists / bands were incredibly important to me over 30 years ago, though as time went on I stopped listening to their output.

Day 40 - The Gathering - 'Beautiful Distortion' 

This is a band that I listened to for the first time on the very same day and occasion as the last band for this week. In the early to mid-90s there was a record store I bought most of my records from, and one day in I waltz and they’re playing ‘Strange Machines’, off of ‘Mandylion’. And from that moment on I only sort of loved The Gathering. Mostly because of their then singer’s voice. In the late 90s / early 00s I lost track of them, and it wouldn’t be until 2003 when they released ‘Souvenirs’ that I fell in love with them. That and their follow up to that album, ‘Home’. Then Anneke left the band, and had a few projects - including Agua de Annique - all of which sounded way too The Gathering-y for me, and I put them in the back burner. Eventually I came to learn that they’d recruited a new singer, but I never bothered with them. Until now, that is. So what did I think? A very good surprise this, the new singer has a great voice that sounds distinctly different from Anneke, yet at the same time is eerily reminiscent of it in spots. It’s very hard to believe it's the same band that released ‘Mandylion’ and ‘Nighttime Birds’, but then they were also (mostly) the same band that recorded ‘Always’ and ‘Almost a Dance’. There’s some true progression here. It gets a good 8,5/10

Day 41 - VUUR - ‘In This Moment We Are Free - Cities’

One such project Anneke had was this one. And besides her amazing voice, was this any good? Well, no, not really. I hated the sound of the guitars, I found the production to be dull, and it’s so long it overstays its welcome. 5/10

Day 42 - Anneke van Giersbergen - ‘The Darkest Skies Are the Brightest’

Delicate, beautiful, great compositions, the complete opposite of VUUR 

Definitely a 7.5/10

Day 43 - The Third And The Mortal - 'Memoirs' 

Probably the most influential band for me from this time period. Their debut album - ‘Tears Laid In Earth’ - is one of those ones where I was the exact moment I listened to for the first time. They had a singer back then called Kari Rueslåtten, who has one of the most beautiful voices I’ve ever heard, but she only stuck with the band for that first album and an EP called ‘Sorrow’. And then everything changed - she left the band, and in came Ann-Mari Edvardsen. Out went the doom-y, atmospheric metal they played, and in came the experimental / trip-hop-y / ambient sounds found in ‘Painting On Glass’ and ‘In This Room’. Needless to say, I too eventually left them firmly behind. From what I’ve gathered, Ann-Mari also left the band, and they got another singer. And this record is a mixed bag for me. So far from the band I once knew, very Bjork-y, very Massive Attack-y, Bowie-esque vocals.

Good but not great, maybe a 6/10

Day 44 - Tactile Gemma -‘Tactile Gemma’

This is a project the aforementioned Ann-Mari Edvardsen had with her sister Monika and another bloke.

Meh. Maybe too experimental for its own sake. There are a lot of good vocalisations here, if maybe often veering on the annoying, but overall I found it  dull. I’m sure I’ll never listen to it again. 5/10 and this is a kindness.

Day 45 - Lacuna Coil - ‘Sleepless Empire’ 

So I first discovered them when they opened for someone back in late 96 or early 97 - either Moonspell or Cradle Of Filth - and I loved what I saw live. When they released their first EP, I bought it at once and loved it - still do, in fact. But I didn’t really like the follow up album, and I gave up on them. I never listened to another one of their records.  And maybe I shouldn’t have listened to another album, because I really didn’t like any of it. It’s chock full of the clichés that explain so dearly why (most) metal since the 00s doesn’t click with me. Imma give this one a 4/10. Yuck.

Day 46 - Theatre Of Tragedy - ‘Forever Is The World’

Just as important as The Third And The Mortal to me, and I may like them even more. They had a sequence of 3 albums and an EP that was just stellar - beginning with ‘Theatre Of Tragedy’, followed by ‘Velvet Darkness They Fear’, and then the EP ‘A Rose For The Dead’, culminating in their masterpiece, ‘Aégis’. All of these records are gold standards to me. And then it got weird. They did away with their ye old English Shakesperian lyrics and gothic imagery, and turned electro. And I didn’t fancy that change, like at all, and so fuck them, you know? Well, not in such an obnoxious way. Singer Liv-Kristine eventually parted ways with the band, and though they did find a replacement, I didn’t bother with them no more. They would come to call it quits 16 years ago, and so I thought why not, why not listen to their last record? And it’s mostly very ok, I like the new singer a lot, but she’s no Liv Kristine - and maybe that’s for the better. They sound nothing like their early stuff, but here and there I could hear some notes that harked back to those days. It was good, probably a 7/10 good.

Next week I’m not too sure yet. Maybe I can think of a few more ladies to redeem some of the duds from this week. It maybe I’ll spend some time with some old geezers that were really important to me from the mid-80s onwards.

Eternity follows me everywhere

A week of some very low lows, and a few highs. But just music-wise. Personally, this wasn’t such a great week. I feel like some unknown force is out there sapping me, draining me of my will to do anything but exist. But I can feel change is just around the corner, let’s see if I can turn it.
Anyways, this week I listened to bands that about 30 or so years ago were quite important to me. All of them had a run of albums/EPs that were just magical around that time. Some of these bands I sort of kept up with, others not so much.
Dramatis personae :


Day 33 - Tiamat - 'The Scarred People'
I hadn’t listened to a Tiamat record since god knows when. I did know a song off of this - they over Lana Del Rey’s ‘Born to got’, and to be fair - here and there I can see the influence she may have had when they wrote this album. This album is gothic, though, very Sisters Of Mercy gothic, could hardly tell it was Johan Edlund singing. It’s a far cry from the proggy masterpieces from the 90’s, like ‘Wildhoney’ and ‘A Deeper Kind of Slumber’.
A couple of good songs here, maybe. 6/10
Day 34 - Samael - 'Hegemony'
Terrible. I love Samael - especially old Samael, but this was embarassing. HOW DO YOU GO FROM ‘I LOVE SATAN’ TO ‘PROBLEMS AREN'T SOLVED WITH A GUN’? 5/10
Day 35 - Moonspell - ‘1755'
Loved Moonspell when they appeared, but somewhere in the late 90’s, I stopped caring. Their 2003 ‘Antidote’ album brought me back in, but then I stopped caring again. And though now and then I dip into a few songs from their catalogue, there’s a bevy of their records I never listened to. This one was one of them. And I almost bought it, even. Pretty good, it gets 8/10
Day 36 - Cradle of Filth - 'The Screaming Of The Valkyries'
And no band was more important to me back then than Cradle of Filth. I swear they could do no wrong. Then they did and I got bored. Every now and again I decide to listen to a random track and I’m not impressed. And that sums up this album… not terrible, just not great. Dani's voice has lost its power, and it seems like I'd heard these songs somewhere before. 7/10, and I'm being generous
Day 37 - Paradise Lost - ‘Ascension’
Also big for me were these lads. There’s so much love from me for these guys, but the last album I listened to was ‘Symbol of Life’, which I adore. Again, dip in here and there, sometimes like, sometimes don’t. This one? Really fucking good. So good I listened to it three times in a row. 9.5/10
Day 38 - My Dying Bride ‘A Mortal Binding’
A band I can really, really like, or really, really dislike. So I rarely bother with them. And this one… oof. Starts off really bad, first song is one of the worst songs I've ever heard. Gets better, though. Good enough to get 7/10
Day 39 - Amorphis - ‘Borderland’
A good surprise, here. And funny, the last album I’d heard from them was 1996’s ‘Elegy’, which I didn’t really like except for a couple of songs. Since then until now I’ve only listened to one of their songs, a song I actually listened to by accident, and had to do a double take, because it sounded nothing like the Amorphis I knew. And neither do they now, while at the same time remaining familiar? I really enjoyed listening to this. Maybe I’ll check some more of their recent stuff. A good, good 8/10.


Next week will be a much more pleasant experience. I’m going to spend some time with the ladies.

Who watches over me?

A week of highs and lows, this one, and one in which I’d be done with a few things that should’ve, by rights, been sorted, but somehow got delayed to next week. One which, I think, will be a particularly hard one, considering how I’ve got to have a very serious conversation with my mother, to see if she understands the severity of our current situation. We are now at the threshold of poverty, and any and all luxuries must be cast aside if we are to make it through the month, each and every month. I don’t think she’ll understand that, though. I really don’t think she will

Music wise this was also a week of highs and lows, maybe next week will be a better one.

The challenge for this week was to revisit bands that were somewhat important to me many years ago, though some of these I still listen to their old stuff every now and again. How do they hold up? Let’s find out.

Day 26 - Covenant - 'Blinding dark'

To say that Covenant had a monumental impact on me would be an understatement. In fact, the name for this blog comes straight from their album ‘United States Of Mind’, which I listened to to death some twenty odd years ago. But I stopped listening to them with ‘Skyshaper’, and not because it was a bad record or something like that, I had just moved on from this kind of sound, more or less. Going back to them was at once both familiar and disappointing. For one, all of these bands have one thing in common : find a formula that works, rinse and repeat. The first half of the album is good, but not stellar, and the second half verges on the forgettable. I’ll give 6.5/10
Day 27 - VNV Nation - 'Construct'

Now, VNV Nation is a band that’s just as momentous to me - if not more - as Covenant. I’ve always loved Ronan’s lyrics, and he has such a great voice. I still go back to a lot of their older stuff on the regular - tracks like ‘Further’, ‘Honour’ or ‘Rubicon’ are some of my all time faves. But just like Covenant, I just ended up straying away from them, though I stuck with VNV until 2013. I loved the album they released that year - ‘Transnational’ - and there are a couple of tracks there in particular that I absolutely love - ‘Teleconnect Part 1’ and ‘Teleconnect Part 2’. And just like with Covenant, this is VNV at its absolutely formulaic, it works, because it is exactly what you’d expect it to be, but it doesn’t surprise you anymore. Also a 6.5/10
Day 28 - De/Vision - 'Citybeats'

This is one of those bands that I can’t remember just how I came across. But be that as it may, circa 2005 I was listening to them non-stop. Well, at least to one of their albums, I was - 2001’s ‘Two’. The band wear their synthpop influences proudly on their sleeves, and this one has some good, moody moments that will remind you of ‘Ultra’ era Depeche Mode. I found the album to be rather forgettable, though. Meh, it’s a 6/10.
Day 29 - Suicide Commando - 'Goddestruktor'

Once a upon a time, when I went out and found myself dancing the night away to the beats of aggrotech/harsh electro, there was nothing that got me more psyched up than ‘Hellraiser’ by these guys. It ‘Love Breeds Suicide’. Or ‘Comatose Delusion’. Man, those were the days. But now, twenty something years later, twenty something years older, I just don’t have the patience for this shit anymore. It’s juvenile, with lyrics that don’t even try to be clever about religion and politics, written by some 16 year old edgelord who lives in echo chambers all day long. This one was bad - I’ll give it a 5/10 and I’m being very  generous.
Day 30 - [:SITD:] - 'Stunde X'

Not much to say here. Better than Suicide Commando, at least with better melodies. 6/10
Day 31 - Seabound - 'Speak in Storms'

Seabound is in the same camp as De/Vision. How did I find this band? Who cares? But around that same time, circa 2005-6, I was also listening to their 2001 album ‘No Sleep Demon’ a lot. And if I’m honest, this is one that adheres to the formula they created, and it does so with gusto. There’s nothing new here, not really, but it ends on a very high note. Good enough to give it a 7/10
Day 32 - Mesh -' Looking Skyward' 

Unlike some bands here, I know precisely how I came across Mesh. Back in 2003, it was, and I was doing some back office work at the place where I used to work back then. One of my coworkers, indeed a friend of mine, was listening to something that I was finding familiar, though could not quite figure out what it may have been. Then it dawned on me that we were listening to the new Depeche Mode album, and I asked my friend just that. He smiled and said ‘no’, then proceeded to tell me we were listening to Mesh.

And they do sound an awful lot like Depeche Mode - especially because the vocals are so reminiscent of Martin Gore’s. Great, bouncy synthpop, great lyrics, these guys never disappoint, they’re true masters of they craft.

And I really liked this album… well, most of it. See, at 13 tracks long it sort of overstays its welcome. Especially because there are three or four tracks that could’ve stayed on the cutting floor. But what’s there that’s good makes up for all that. It’s a sold 8/10.

This coming week I’ll be listening to heavy stuff. I think.

See you in the funny pictures.

Maybe someday you’ll look up and, barely conscious, you’ll say to no one ‘isn’t something missing?’

I can still remember the day I realized I no longer cared. Well, this wasn’t necessarily 100% true, but for the most part, for pretty much the most important part, I well and truly no longer cared. It’s mid-December 2016, and I was scheduled to attend a concert up north, and then afterwards I was to submit my review of it to a webzine I sporadically wrote for back then. But before I travelled northwards, I had things to do. It was my son’s birthday, so we had dinner together, and then I took him home. When I was making my way home, I was talking to a girl I was sort of involved with at the time, and around one a.m. or so, I was meeting Silvia near where I lived, and we went to a motel to have sex. It wasn’t great, it wasn’t spectacular, and I’ve always known and felt that I was unworthy of her. I knew it would be our one time being together, ever. We stayed together in the dark for a few hours, but she had to go home to her husband. Before we got dressed though, I took a long, last look at her naked body, and I sang to her a bit from a Leonar Cohen song : ‘Your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm’. Soon enough we kissed goodbye, she gave me her scarf - something I still have -  and that was the end of that story. 

I didn’t get any sleep that night - as early as I could, I hopped on a train and went up. I’m sure I slept all throughout the roughly three hour trip.

When I arrived, I knew I had things to do, I had places to go. I went to my hostel and dropped off my stuff, recharged for a bit, then got on a train again, this time to travel a bit further north, so I could soak in the peaceful greenery of a catholic shrine in the outskirts of the city. There I sat for a couple of hours - reading one of Peter Hook’s books - and slowly I started making my way back. I elected to rest for a bit when I got back to the hostel, then I went for a meal just around the corner, there’s this place that specializes on Celtic cuisine, and I always go there whenever I’m around. I went back to my hostel, took a shower and then went for a long walk through the city’s riverside, taking in the city lights by night. I’m listening to Lana Del Rey, and when she sings ‘I feel so alone on a Friday night’, I begin to cry. 

Alone, I sit by the river. For some reason I’m reminded of ‘Brideshead Revisited’, and I make a mental note to temeras it one day. I walk around some more, drink a bit, then go back to the hostel. It’s one of those with pods embedded on the walls, and there’s nothing but a flimsy piece of cloth covering each pod’s entrance. Mine’s the upper one, I climb a ladder up to it, and instantly realize when I take my headphones off that the couple beneath me is fucking. The girl moans like no one else is present, and I think to myself, ‘Jesus lady, calm down’, then feel bad because it was stupid of me to think that, and I put my headphones on back again, and fall asleep to something or the other.

I wake up early next day, and decide to have breakfast somewhere. But funnily enough, what happens is that I wind up going to a big park in the city instead. It’s a bleak, cold winter’s day, the sky grey and sterile. As I walk through the park, 9 a.m. just coming up, I start to feel empty. No, that’s not right, I was empty already. I allowed emptiness to overcome me. I felt the morning’s chill on my face as I walked along the tree lines, and people ambled through the park. There, a couple pushes a pram slightly uphill, drunk on happiness. Crossing my path, a young woman, very very pretty, locks eyes with me. I wanted to say ‘good morning’, or nod my head at her, but my eyes turned forward. I felt a void within me that I no longer had strength to keep at bay. 

Most of the day is spent idling until it’s time for me to prepare for the gig. I give it my all - bare as it may be. I shave, I take a shower and put on a dash of perfume. I know what I’m going to wear that night, in fact I knew as soon as I was assigned the gig. In a sea of people clad in black, I’d the guy wearing blue jeans and a white t-shirt. And not just any white t-shirt, mind. I was still fit back then, so I wore my New Order ‘Substance’ t-shirt. I take a look at myself in the mirror.  I look good. I know I did. It was the last time I looked like that. It’s now time to make my way down to the venue, and I walk down the streets leisurely - it’s only about ten minutes or so anyway. When I get to the venue, I start seeing familiar faces. I meet up with a few acquaintances, trade a few kind words with them and others I know from around, visit the merch booth, then when the time comes, we all go inside.

I take my leave from the small party that accompanied me - I had to stay at the back, so I could observe what was going on stage, and because there were some high top tables near the bar area, I chose that spot so I could jot down whatever I felt of note for my upcoming review. I remained focused on what was going on stage - I mostly ignored the opening act, and then paid much more attention to the main act, a Swedish band called Covenant. It felt as if I was watching the gig somewhat from a distance. I was there, but I wasn’t there. Not really. Not in any way that mattered.

So the concert came and went, and I met up with the people I knew. Soon they were on their way, and there I was - all by myself. On my way to the hostel I stopped by a drugstore that was open and bought the meds from my regular prescription. What was walking up the road was a dead man walking. It wasn’t me, I had stayed behind, years ago. I saw myself walking up that street, I felt its emptiness, I saw as it typed a half-assed review. I knew, even before he did, that I had decided to die that night.