I thought this wouldn’t hurt a lot, I guess not

A week that has been tough as nails because not only did my health decide to act up again, I treated it with booze and pills - something that works just fine.

And also this week was not fun at all, when it came to the listening. If last week I was expecting it to be rough, this week has been far harder to endure - there wasn’t a lot of good listening done.

But I’d be remiss if I didn’t state that these bands - these parts of my journey - came into my life due to a very specific person. It’s summer 1989 and the heaviest shit I listen to - the heaviest shit I’m aware of - is Metallica, Iron Maiden, Helloween, and a few others. This, of course, changed when I met an older kid called Valter and his brother Vilson, and through them I got to know a wealth of bands I’d never heard of. Me and these kids got along really well out of a shared love for Transformers and comics, and music came right after. I remember early on he asked what I listened to. And I said ‘Heavy Metal’. ‘No shit’, he said, ‘like what bands?’ And I says, ‘Oh, you probably never heard of them… METALLICA!’, and he looks at me, slightly confused, his bespectacled face slightly ajar, eager to correct me. He replies and says ‘Metallica isn’t Heavy Metal. Metallica is Thrash Metal.’, a fact I was woefully ignorant of. ‘Oh yeah?’, I say, and ‘what other thrash bands arre you into?’, and he spews an obscene amount of names I’d never heard of, most of which I can no longer remember, and a whole bunch I never knew were real or not. ‘And those’, said he, ‘are just the thrash bands I like. Now, as for Death Metal…’, and I’m stood there, mouth agape, listening to a torrent of names, and I had no idea there were that many bands in the world period let alone Death Metal bands. ‘And then there’s Speed Metal, and Grindcore, and Black Metal - which I legit thought was metal played by black people, and in my mind I was expecting this sort of heavy music mixed with some afro tribal beats  and when I first listened to a Black Metal band I was sort of disappointed - and Doom Metal, and so much more’, he said. And my mind was abuzz because I wanted - nay, I needed -  to listen to all these bands and all these genres.

The coup de grâce - so to speak - was when I first went to this kid’s house and he showed me is vast music collection. He already had more than a hundred CDs, dozens of vinyl records, and hundreds upon hundreds tapes - and in a notebook he had not only which records were recorded on which tapes, but they were all individually numbered and catalogued by date of recording. He even went one step further, in the sense that he eventually would equalize all of his records and even jot down what he deemed was his ideal equalization for each and every one of them.

And so, for the next few months and years, every single time I went to his house, I brought new music home with me. Some I revisited this week, and some I’ll be revisiting next week. What I’d like to tell you in advance is that none of these bands I truly ever loved - I just kind of liked them, some more than others, because even then I knew I was looking for something with much more melody. As such, I had not listened to a new album from any of these bands in over thirty years. Some I know a song here and there, but I no longer had any interest in listening to this type of sound.

Day 93 - Sepultura - 'Quadra' 

Let’s instantly date me : the last album I listened to by them was ‘Chaos A.D.’ which I didn’t really like. But truth be told… I didn’t like the previous one that much as well. What I do like is the early stuff - for me they peaked with ‘Beneath The Remains’. I know that the band had a lot of drama and in fighting, which eventually led to founding members Max and Igor Cavalera eventually leaving. I’d never, ever heard anything by them with the new guy - Derrick Green - and who knew what could be in store? Especially because when I gave up on the band, it felt like they’d woken up one day and had no idea how to play their instruments?

Surprisingly, it’s more technical than what I was expecting. I’m enjoying the new guy’s voice. But then something weird happens… about ten minutes in, I'd forgotten I was listening to a Sepultura album, but rather it felt like a Pantera album. Production once again makes it feel very same-y, though it does have some variety to it. Maybe a 7/10

Day 94 - Death - ‘The Sound Of Perserverance’

Oh boy, will this be one for the ages. Death are the very first Death Metal band I listened to - and they could be considered the inventors of the genre, either them or Possessed, depending on which story you believe in. And my first exposure to them was none other than the debut ‘Scream Bloody Gore’ - which I really liked. But I wasn’t that much of a fan of what they did next, which isn’t to say it was bad (it wasn’t), but maybe it was just not for me. The band’s leader, founder, singer, main composer was one Chuck Schuldiner - and he is one of the most beloved figures not only in the genre, but metal altogether. This was his final album before passing away at a fairly young age, and I know it’s universally beloved. But… I didn’t like it. Worse, I didn’t even enjoy it. But it is very good - very, very good - for what it is. And it’s not the band, or the album… it’s me. I’ll give it a very generous 5/10

Day 95 - Morbid Angel - ‘Kingdoms Disdained’

Not good. Sounded like one single, long, boring song full of all the worst death metal clichés. It barely merits a 3/10

Day 96 - Kreator  - ‘Krushers Of The World’

I hadn’t listened to a Kreatot album since ‘Renewal’… damn!

This one was surprising. Thrashy but also gothic-y, sometimes reminded of stuff like Skyclad and Rotting Christ. One of the bests for this week, worthy of a good 7/10

Day 97 - Sodom - ‘The Arsonist’

I can’t think about this band without thinking of a girl called Sonia, who I went to school with in the early 90s. Not only was she the first girl I knew who listened to metal, she was also the first black girl I knew who listened to metal, and that was pretty fucking cool. But she always wore this one Sodom tee, which had the cover to their album ‘Agent Orange’, and so they’ve always been her band. Truth be told, I wasn’t a fan then, and I didn’t really like the album I listened to. Again, not bad, but not great either. Gets a 6/10 from me.

Day 98 -  Destruction - ‘Birth Of Malice’

I liked this one just a tad better than the Sodom one - but not by much. Not much to say about it really, I’ll give it a 6.5/10 just so I can move on.

Day 99 - Tankard - ‘Pavlov’s Dawgs’

Jeez. I can still remember the first time I listened to Tankard. Whenever I visited Valter’s house, we’d spend hours playing video games and listening to music. He’d always choose whatever we’d listen to, and I trusted his choices. Then one day he tells me ‘You’ve listened to Death Metal, yes, but what about Beer Metal?’, and quick as you please, there I am sat in his living room listening to whatever the fuck I was listening to, my brain about to explode, and then… ‘Tantrum’ comes along. And this is a song about some poor guy who went to a party looking to get drunk, but someone stole his beer, and now he’s going mental! It was love at first listen! But in all fairness… I discovered them pretty much around the same time as Paradise Lost and the New Wave Of Swedish Death Metal bands like Entombed, Dismember and At The Gates and that would set the course for much of what I’d listen to moving forward - well, until the late 90s/early 00s.

This was maybe my pick of the week - it is good, very well played, and though sadly I didn’t hear anything about beer or alcohol here, I quite liked it. I’ll gripe again about the length of a record, because it didn’t need to be 55 minutes long. Good editing once again cut it short of something better. 7.5/10

As for next week, well, a potentially harsher crucible. Mayhaps I shall be surprised. Mayhaps not.

Kill me Sarah, kill me again with love

Truth be told, I kind of dreaded this week. I’d be revisiting some of the bands that were deeply influential to me at a fairly early age. None of these bands are bands that I kept on following, rather, most - if not all - of these band, I hadn’t listened to a record of theirs in decades. Lots of reasons why - maybe I’d moved on to something heavier, more extreme, more brutal - or I’d moved on from the genre altogether. Listening to these records was a trip down memory lane, as you’ll soon be able to read. Good memories? Sometimes, others not so much.

Day 86 - Metallica - '72 Seasons' 

Of course, when you grow up in the ‘80s there are bands that are just so ubiquitous that you can’t escape them in any way, shape or form. Metallica was one of those bands - you’a always see their records on the rock section of the record store, or you’d see a metalhead sporting one of their tees. And then the black album came along and everyone and their mothers now loved Metallica. It’s funny, because for me it was where I started letting them go, so much so that I’ve not listened to an entire album of theirs since then. I’ve heard bits and pieces, yes, but the whole shebang? No.  And I’d heard good things about this one, but that was never motivation enough for me to pick it up. What I say now can be wholly repeated for many of this week’s entries : It’s not bad, but it really isn’t that good. It’s got a sort of a homogeneous production that makes it sound and feel very samey. And it’s far, far too long… I kept on wishing that it would just end. But if I’m honest, it’s way, way better than I was hoping. I’ll give it a 6.5/10

Day 87 - Megadeth - ‘Megadeth’

There’a no Megadeth without Metallica, and this being their ‘final’ album, I thought it’d merit a listen. I have to confess I’ve never been a huge Megadeth fan, though I do like the odd song here and there. And just like the Metallica record, it suffers from very clean and sterile production - it feels like it's one very long song. Not bad, had some moments I enjoyed listening to, but I wouldn't be able to remember a single riff from it. 6/10

Day 88 - Iron Maiden - 'Senjutsu' 

If Metallica were ubiquitous in the ‘80s, Iron Maiden towered above them. This is the ONE band I knew about as a kid, just from recognizing them visually from tees, graffiti, records, and sometimes even from promotional tour posters that you’d see plastered everywhere. I knew them and I knew I loved them without having ever listened to a single song of theirs. One of the most heartbreaking moments in my life, EVER, was when I was a kid, and I had this combat vest that I had gotten as a birthday gift, and it had a beautiful ‘Powerslave’ patch sown on the back, and one day I left in my mom’s car, and the car was broken into and the ONLY thing that was stolen was my vest.

Truth be told, I haven't listened to a single record of theirs since 'Virtual XI' - that one was so bad I sort of swore them off then and there. Listening to this record was a weird experience. This one had what felt like a strange production. It sounded like classic Maiden while at the same time not sounding like classic Maiden. It's good, but at 82 minutes long it outstayed its welcome for me. I’m generously giving it a 7/10

Day 89 - Helloween - ‘Giants & Monsters’

There was this one kid I knew in the late ‘80s that always, always used a ‘Keeper Of The Seven Keys’ tee and he swore up and down that it was the best metal band in the world. So one day I give him a couple of blank tapes get he could record them for me. My mind was blown - it was love at first listen. A few years later, I met this other kid who was a sort of metal guru, and he lent me a tape with their first records. Little could I imagine that the guy who was their guitarist in ‘Keepers’ was their original singer.

A few years ago they did a really cool thing - they reunited with their three singers and they toured the world. I watched a lot of youtube videos from that tour, and it was nothing less than stellar. Then they decided to record with that very line up, and… as much as I love them…. And though it pains me to say to…. It’s just good, but because it’s nowhere near as good as their best, it isn’t great. It’s really mostly unremarkable. For me a middling, disappointing 5/10

Day 90 - Manowar - ‘The Lord Of Steel’

Man… Manowar is one of those bands that you either love or hate. If you buy into that whole ‘Conan The Barbarian’ shtick they espouse, if you buy into that kayfabe, then man - it’s just great. If you don’t, then yeah, it becomes ridiculous. And I bought into it for the longest time, though I hadn’t listened to an album of theirs since about 1993. A new one, I mean. 

They’ve always had so many great things working for them - their sheer epicness, the amazing Eric Adams voice, and one of the very best bass players ever - Joey DeMaio.

And yet… this album sounds very little like classic Manowar. Sure, the same fantasy lyrics are there, but maybe I’m just burnt out by now, and thus they just sound kinda juvenile now. And nothing that made them great isn’t here - Eric’s singing sounds tired and strained, below par. And Joey went for a kind of Fuzzy bass which I really didn’t find great. Two in a row, another disappointing 5/10

Day 91- AC/DC - ‘Power Up’

Of course AC/DC had to come up, though I never was a huge, huge fan. Another one of those that was inescapable throughout the ‘80s and well into today. It’s been argued that AC/DC makes the same album every time. Some love it, some don’t. And this one? Sounds like pretty much every single AC/DC record. It wasn’t bad, but I can’t remember a single thing about it. Maybe a 5/10?

Day 92 - Scorpions - ‘Rock Believer’

Now, If I’m honest, I only chose this band because all my other choices I want to leave for next week, and because there’s a story which I’ll always appreciate no matter what. 

So, it’s about 1991 or so, I’d turned 14, and now girls had turned from these annoying gremlins to the most beautous and voluptuous of creatures. You know how every single school has that one class where all the misfits, ne’er do wells, and outright nutjobs end up? Well, in 1991 that’s where I ended up - a class where most of my classmates where these proper grown ass people, who had sex and where fully developed and in relationships - all that shit. And one of the girls in my class was this girl Sandra - and she was into Guns‘N’Roses and Scorpions. Now, she was very, very pretty, but she also had this huge pair of bazoongas - something that would provide me with masturbation fodder for many a year. Of course, I always knew that she’d never give me the time of day, but I still tried. And one of the ways I tried was when I bought the original tape for Scorpions ‘ Crazy World’ album, which contained their anthemic ‘Winds Of Change’ song, a song which I knew she loved, and I hoped against hope if I recorded it for her, then she would let me to unspeakable things to - and on - her breasts. She didn’t. Bah.

Anyhoo, this one was the surprise of the week - it’s really, really good! I’ll give a very, very strong 8.5/10

And next week we continue down this path, though we take the left hand one. It gets brutal next week. See ya on the funny papers!

I see distance in your eyes

Mostly good. Some real great highlights, punctuated by some indescribable mediocrity, and some who were just meh. 

Day 79 - St Vincent - All Born Screaming'

Someone who I've known by name only for a number of years. People I know swear by her with great confidence. But I never did feel any kind of pull towards her. Not sure what I was expecting, but this is a really diverse album. Doesn't make it great, though. For me, at least, just on the edge of decent. 6/10 

Day 80 - Angel Olsen - 'Big Time' 

This is probably the record I felt the most trepidation about. I can still remember the first time I listened to her, I can still remember where, and I can still remember the alcohol and sex fueled night that involved that first listen. Out of all of that, she was the only thing I kept with me. I used to love her early stuff, but eventually I completely disconnected from her. But when 'All Mirrors' came out, I bought it, hoping that it would be really good. And I really didn't like it one bit. It was too lush, too overproduced. Just felt a bit too fake. And nothing could have prepared me for this record. It's just an amazing album, really, from start to finish. She sounds incredibly happy, and the music and her singing reflect that happiness. Album of the week, for sure. Stunning 9/10 

Day 81 - Sharon Van Etten - 'Sharon Van Etten & The Attachment Theory

What I'm going to say might shock a lot of people, because for the longest time I actually, really, truly thought that she was the singer for Within Tempation, who is, in fact, called Sharon den Adel. So it always left me wondering why so many people who don't listen to that kind of metal were suddenly fans of her... I even listened to a couple of her songs way back, and I recall thinking she sounded nothing like she did when she sang on WT. Then the other shoe dropped. Eventually, after many years...
So, with all that in mind, I had absolutely no idea what kind of album would be waiting for me. And you know what? Probably the surprise of the week. In a sense it feels like the greatest Arcade Fire they never wrote. One dud, just, but everything else was so good - especially the Siouxsie-ish last song . 9/10
Day 82 - Weyes Blood 'And In The Darkness, Hearts Aglow' 

In 2019 or so, when I still spent a lot of time on social media, there was this nymphette I was 'friends' with on Instagram who very often posted good music, some of which I already knew about, others not so much. One day she posts something about this one here, and says something along the lines of 'Is this how our parents felt like the first time they listened to Enya?' Well now, me, being somewhat of an Enya enjoyer myself, rushed to Youtube to listen to her latest record - 'Titanic Rising''. And... not only does it not sound anything like Enya - at all, not even in the slightest - I found it to be incredibly bad, unbearably dull, Karen Carpenter derived slop. And don't get me wrong - Karen Carpenter was an amazing singer. So, seven years on, I decided to give her another try. And you know what? It's still incredibly bad, unbearably dull, Karen Carpenter derived slop. I'm giving it a very, very generous 4/10.

Day 83 - Mitski - 'Nothing's About To Happen To Me'

I only know some of her songs, mainly from Youtube adverts that led me to Shazam whatever I was listening to. I quite liked them. Listening to an entire album was an experience in and of itself. A very good one. This is pretty good. Pretty sad. Pretty relatable. 8/10 
Day 84 - Jehnny Beth - 'You, Heartbreaker, You' 

A good while back, there was a band called Savages that I was a bit fond of - not enough to buy their stuff, or to listen to an album even, but I didn't mind if they came up on the playlist. But I never really paid that much attention to them, to be honest. I knew the singer had started a solo career, but I never cared to explore her. I shouldn't really. This was atrociously bad, from the incessant shouty shouty shouty shouting, to the nu-metal-ish sound. I don't give it a 1/10 just because this atrocity is 'just' 28 minutes long. It's still an appalling 2/10

Day 85 - Lana Del Rey - 'Did You Know That There's A Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd'

Well. This one made me feel icky from the get go BECAUSE WHERE'S THE FUCKING QUESTION MARK AT THE END OF THE TITLE? It just isn't, and that makes me very, very angry. When I was a kid and went to school, if I made a mistake like that, I'd get the shit slapped out of me, and now not only do these people get away with it, they make millions at the same time. Ah well. 

I didn't immediately get into her - it wouldn't be until late 2013 that she finally made sense to me. But she has this 'problem' where I feel like every time I fart, she's releasing a new album. And the last record of hers I listened to was 'Norman Fucking Rockwell' - which I found to be just OK, really. Not bad, but not great. I thought that after this one she'd already released five more records, but alas - the new one is slated to come out this year. And this one... well, when you have someone who can sing so well as her, and who surrounds herself with people who clearly know what they're doing when it comes to the production and composing sides, how could this be anything other than great, sublime, even the greatest thing since sliced bread? It isn't, of course it's not. It has a huge, huge problem - for me, at least. It's 77 minutes long. It's bloated, overlong, and lacks direction and clear editing. Quite a few of these songs could've stayed on the cutting room floor, or just been decent B-sides. It made for a slog of a listen, if I'm honest. If it had been around that 45 minute mark, with just the strongest cuts, I'd have given it a 9/10. As it stands... it doesn't warrant anything below a 7/10, but then again neither does it merit anything above it.

Done with the ladies for now, but I'm sure more will pop up in the near future. I have a few in mind, but for right now I'm sticking to old geezers. The ones whose bands I loved when I was in my early teens, but who I've not really followed in a long, long time. I predict it's going to be absolutely painful, I hope I'm (somehow) proven wrong.

When I dream, I dream of your kiss

Sad to see the goth ladies go. Ah well, all good things come to an end, n'est-ce pas?
But this was one hell of a strong week, just one dud really.

Day 72 - Myrkur - 'Spine'
I wasn't a huge fan of her early stuff, so I didn't listen to what she released afterwards. And, truth be told, whatever I might have been expecting this album to be, it most certainly (mostly) was not. It's strangely poppy, or rather, 'popy' if pop had been put through an 'extreme' metal lens. I liked most of it, to be sure, and walked away very impressed. Solid, solid 8.5/10
Day 73 - Sylvaine - 'Nova'
God bless the algorithm, because I can still remember the first time I listened to Sylvaine. Mind you, I can't remember what I was listening to before and nor can I remember what I listened to after, because 'Saudade', from her 2016 album 'Wistful' left me completely smitten. Not surprising anyone here, but I never did listen to the later output. I even had this on vinyl, but it never called to me. And it didn't disappoint, not one bit. One of this weeks best, it gets a good 8.5/10
Day 74 - Darkher - The Buried Storm'
And this one came around the same time as Sylvaine did. You ever wondered how Beth Gibons would sound like if she sang in a doom band? Well, wonder no more. But this isn't exactly true, and it somewhat diminishes Jayn's amazing voice, to make this kind of comparison. However... sometimes there'll be bits where her register is uncannily similar to that of famed Portishead singer. I think I'd only listened to one of her records before, which I recall enjoying, but I wouldn't be able to say anything about it, really - I only listened to it the once. Quite liked this one too! A strong 8/10
Day 75 - Kalandra - 'A Frame Of Mind'
Never heard about them until maybe a year or so ago, and they hold the distinction of being the last ever band that I almost bought a record from. So they've been on my radar for a while. Figured I might give them a listen now. Jesus... this isn't bad, per se, because the instrumentation is fairly good, her voice is pretty decent, but the lyrics are just so... so stupid. It's all wishy washy kumbaya let's all hold hands because the world is a bad place kind of lyrics, and you know what? Fuck that shit. Give me nihilism and misery and despondency. A VERY generous 6/10
Day 76 - GGGOLDDD - 'This Shame Should Not Be Mine'
Yeah, what a groovy name, right? But they used to go by just 'Gold', and I found them out about the same time as I did Brutus. When this album came out I knew I wasn't in the best place to listen to it. I knew that thematically it would be a tough listen, since it's about abusive relationships, of which I saw my fair share. I let it simmer quietly all this time... until now. And this is a very, very weird album - in a good way - because its not entirely sure what it wants to be, and it's pretty much unapologetic about it. It's heavy in parts, electronic in others, quiet, loud, a it pop and yeah - a tough listen. But very good, it gets a nice 8/10
Day 77 - Ataraxia - 'Centaurea'

Ah, Ataraxia. One of the greatest regrets I have in my life was not going to see them live back in 1998, a concert that would be immortalized in their live album 'Os cavaleiros do templo'. And they're one of those bands that I've enjoyed for more than thirty years now, and yet I've only listened to maybe three or four of their records - of which they have many. Ataraxia are - at least for me - one of those bands where I have to be in a very specific frame of mind to listen to. And they are also one of those bands that I can safely say... they're not for everyone.

Now... The only thing more beautiful than the lovely Francesca is her voice, and I love it to bits, I can see how some people might find her voice... challenging. And not having listened to any of their albums in a looooong time, this one was more gothic-y than I was expecting - which was nice, because it was tastefully done - and it ends on such a great note, that I feel sorry I didn't save it for today, because if that last song had been the last song of the week, then it would have been so perfect. Another of this week's highlights, I'll give it an amazing 9/10

Day 78 - Suldusk - 'Anthesis' 

Aaaaaand... I cheated on this one. I was having trouble remembering any other band that might fit the bill, so I googled for bands that sound like the ones I listened to this week, and wouldn'tcha know, a name came up a lot more than the others. So Suldusk it is. Or it was. And it was... huh. Not at all what I was expecting, and exactly what I was expecting, if that makes any sense. I loved it - Emily has as beautiful, powerful voice, and the whole thing is a stunningly well produced and performed record. Methinks I shall be listening to more by them. It's that good I'll give a whopping 8.5/10

Next week will be much less pleasant. Away with the hot goth ladies, and in come the modern ladies. Some I've listened to and liked before, others will be all new offerings. 

Invariable will, recurring ebbs and flows.

Sometimes - but not very often - I wonder if the few errant souls that decide to read my words think I’m the same person who wrote here until 2013, or if by some unknown magic I managed to prise the credentials for the account from some random darkweb hacker. Well, in the immortal press of Monsieur Roger Leclerc : ‘It is I, Leclerc.’

Of course it’s me - and by admitting this I shun a lie I wanted to say, that I’d changed so, so much over this past decade or so… but I didn’t, not really. I’m still the same idiot who started this blog on an incident laden evening in Geneva, I’m still the same dolt who wrote here while I pined away for a couple of years more for a love that had been lost, and I’m still the same cacophony of a human being that last wrote here in 2013, when I was having a recurring dream, a month or so after the love of my life chose not to stay. How have I changed? Nothing since then changed me. Not one book, not one song, not one person I was with. I can’t remember the faces of people who were in my life during that time period, but I can recall the hotel room in Geneva, where I sat that evening, wondering what to do. I thought - right then and there I thought - that our story had finally ran its course. Had I known there was still a year of pain and misery on the horizon, would I have continued? How bittersweet to wish for lost time to be returned, but not to me. Never to me.

And I ponder now, and not for the first time, if every step that I took after that night in Geneva was always bound to get me to her arms. To finally know what home feels like. To love, and to want no more than that love, and then to not know it again. And if I could go back, would I take the same steps, tread the same paths? I know the answers to these questions. I’ve always known and I will always know, and that renders this exercise a futility in and of itself. I live in a moment of endless looped time that can’t be broken if not by the most impossible of things. 

There’s something I well and truly hate doing, which is re-reading what I’ve written. I’m rarely ashamed of whatever by something I’ve written in the past, but I’m not a huge fan. This here blog contains a number of my most pretentious pieces of all time, and I know just who I was trying to impress. I don’t do that anymore, thank god for that, so maybe in that respect I changed a bit. I’ve started re-reading this blog, and god alone know how I resist the temptation to just delete or unpublish some stuff here. But I’ve done that far too often in the past - I’ve deleted entire blogs I once had and no record of what I wrote there still exists. But thanks to the Wayback Machine, I've actually found some indexed pages of the first iteration of this blog. And sure - most of it is from twenty years ago, a little bit older even - but now, as I re-read it I can see (even more) clearly see that I wasn't just stupid in my lates 20's and early 30's. No, I was already broken and sad and tired and hurt, and that - in a sense - helps to explain where I was at the time and why I ended up doing the things I did. And had I not done them, then the person I was when I started this new version of the blog would have never existed and (very likely) I'd never have written here again. It was pain that drove me here then, this shapeless thing that wounded me to my very core, and it was pain - yet again, that old, familiar foe - that kept me from writing here for many a year. It's not pain that lured me here now.

No, we've become old friends, and though it will (just) occasionally remind me of its potency, I have learned to take its whips and scorns in stride. Am I the same person? Yes and No. I'm less than I was, for sure. And sometimes - sometimes, but not always - I miss irreplaceable parts of me. Versions of me. But they're better left in the past, and that's a lesson I ought to have learned by now, but alas : I am still in the same place I was back in June 2013.

How can I sleep with your voice in my head?

There was a British comedy show called 'The Fast Show', that I love beyond words and that every so often I'll do a complete rewatch of. One of the characters is a fella by the name of Jesse, who the show's Wiki describes as 'He's a verbally challenged country bumpkin who exits his shed and explains his strange diets (as seen in season 2 and a Christmas special), fashion tastes (season 3 only) and experiments (The Last Fast Show Ever).' What does that have to do with anything? Well, in Jesse's famous catchphrase... 'This week I are been mostly listening to hot goth ladies.'

Day 65 - Lindy Fay Hella & Dei Farne - 'Islet'
Known her since her Wardruna days, but never been a huge fan of them. Solo, though, I just love her. I still hadn't listened to her works with Dei Farne, though. And its very good, Lindy-Fay has an amazing voice that elevates everything she touches. Just a little over 33 minutes, never outstays its welcome. 8.5/10
Day 66 - Karin Park - 'Church of Imagination'
I've never been a fan of The Cure. Sure, I like a few songs here and there, but that's it, really.
And this album begins with a cover of 'A Forest', a song that I never liked, and that not even her voice can save. That said, I liked this album : poppy, some gospel-y, soul-y bits, but very dark. Not sure if everything here works for me, but a lot of it does. 7/10
Day 67 - Julie Christmas - 'Ridiculous And Full Of Blood'
The only other thing I'd listened from her was a collab with Cult Of Luna, which I found good, but not great. I actually have this record on vinyl, which I received by mistake, along with a couple of tees. Never gave it a listen. And... it's very shouty, sounds a bit too nu-metal-ish for me at at times. Overall good but not something I'd listen to on repeat. A generous 7/10
Day 68 - Brutus - 'Unison Life'
Some years ago, I was looking for new stuff to listen to, so for a few months I was listening to a lot of stuff from labels that I bought a lot of stuff from. One of those bands was called Brutus, and the very first time I listened to them, about ten seconds in I felt a huge sense of relief because I'd realized I wouldn't be into them. Then about thirty seconds in that all changed and I immediately went and bought everything they'd released. I still hadn't listened to this one though, and I think by now it's been out for 4 years or so. One thing I've always loved about Brutus is how Stefanie is the singer and the drummer! This one is just superb, Stefanie's voice and drumming are just kick ass, and to top it all off, it's got really great production. Album of the week, I'll give it a resounding 9/10
Day 69 - Midwife - 'No depression in heaven'
One of those bands I'd been meaning to check out for the longest time. Singer describes them as 'Heaven Metal', but no metal to be found here. Rather, this is the kind of slow, ponderous kind of shoegazing, slowcore/sadcore kind of thing. Good, but maybe not for everyday listening. 7/10
Day 70 - King Woman - 'Celestial Blues'
Yet another band that was on my list for a long time. After listening to it, i'm not sorry I didn't get to them earlier. I've never been a doom metal guy (unless, that is, it's coming from the likes of early Anathema / Paradise Lost / My Dying Bride), so I didn't really enjoy this record. I count maybe two good songs, and funnily enough, they're the only songs where I can actually like the singer's voice. Her 'harsher' voice I wasn't a big fan of, if I'm honest. This is by no means bad - I'm sure lots of people will find it great. But not me, and because it's not for me and because I really didn't like it, I'll give it a 4/10.
Day 71 - Ellereve - 'Umbra'
The thing about trawling through the backlogs/new releases of the labels I followed and bought stuff from - mainly Pelagic, Dunk! Records, Eisenwald, Sargent House, The Flenser) is that I ended up buying a ton of stuff I never really got round to actually listening to. So much of what I collected ended up just being shelved, and that's always been fine with me - I know that eventually I'll end up listening to them. I bought the first Ellereve album as soon as I saw its cover, and hey, what's not to like? Semi naked hot goth lady, shut up and take my money. And it's always called to me ever since, but I've always resisted its siren song. And just as I was about to listen to it, lo and behold!, I find out last year she released a new one! So I gave that one a listen and guess what? It's really fucking good. Amazing, amazing voice, great guitars and pretty soon I'll be diving back in again to listen to the first one! I'll give it a good 8.5/10


There's still another week to go with hot goth ladies, and then I'll *ngh* listen to some more 'modern' ladies, before I do the painful inevitable which will be listening to whatever the bands that shaped me in my youth have released lately. I do not relish that one bit.

I'll sing it one last time for you, then we really have to go.

A week that - musically speaking - begins very strong, and ends almost as strong, but which had monumental volumes of SHITE in between.

Day 58 - A.A. Williams - 'As The Moon Rests' 

I love A.A. Williams to death. Ever since I heard her collab with Mono, I knew she was one to watch. And I've listened to pretty much everything she released. But - and don't ask me why - I never got round to listening her latest album. And it's amazingly good. She has one of the most beautiful and saddest voices I've ever heard, and it's no exaggeration when I say that the least good songs here are miles better than the best you can hope to find anywhere else. Lyrics, instrumentation, production are all top notch. An excellent 9/10

Day 59 - Anna Von Hausswolff - 'Iconoclasts' 

I listened to and enjoyed the first couple of her records, and found them very, very good. Very different, naturally very organ heavy. Returning to her wasn't as easy as I'd expected - I found this album to be different from the others, or maybe different than what I might have been expecting. This one was just OK, not very memorable - at least not for me. 6/10.
Day 60 - Chelsea Wolfe. - 'She Reaches Out To She Reaches Out To She' No problem in admitting that I only listened to her because way back when I was trying to bang some goth girl. But unfortunately I just couldn't get into her. And I tried - I bought and listened to every single album of hers, plus a few collabs, and nothing ever clicked with me, really. A song here and there, and that was it. And the album that came before this one was supremely disappointing for me, I was expecting it to be something it was not. And, in truth, this may be the album I was expecting back then. Really liked most of it, maybe only a dud or two. A good 8/10
Day 61 - Emma Ruth Rundle - 'EG2 : Dowsing Voice' 

I firmly believe that people who knowingly choose to unleash such atrocities upon the world should be chained to a post and whipped within an inch of their lives until they finally repent and denounce their works. This wasn't just the worst thing I listened to this week, or even the worst thing I listened to this year (at least so far), it's single handedly the worst piece of shit I've ever listened to. I'll give it a 0/10 because I can't give negative scores.

Day 62 - Zola Jesus - 'Arkhon' 

There's a story I told many a time to whomever might be listening to me, but which I'm not too sure if I ever actually wrote down. Back in 2014, when I started working at my current job, I was doing something quite similar to this exercise, though I didn't last as long as I am planning to this go around. But I did find out a lot of artists that in the following years I'd be listening to a lot - some I even plan to revisit, if I can remember them. That said, one artist I discovered was Zola Jesus. Now, I can't really remember when it was, but maybe a year or two later I was fucking this girl who was into her as well. Eventually, there was a gig in one of the local venues showcasing none other than Miss Jesus herself. So we decided to go, and it was a hell of a concert. I had never seen much of her before, other than some videos and the photos of her in her records, so I was a bit shocked to find out how tiny she was. Tiny in size, but with a giant's voice. Sometime during the concert, she hops off the stage and goes around through the crowd - which wasn't that huge - and sings all the while she's moving through the people. Then when she walks past me, she stops right in front of me, looks me dead in the eyes, and sings whatever she was singing, this tiny wisp of a woman with a thunderous voice, and she lingers there for about 30 seconds or so - which to me seemed to stretch into infinity - and I could feel EVERYONE'S eyes on me. Like, 'who this motherfucker think he is?' kind of vibes. And then off she goes up to the stage. And for the rest of the gig I could still feel people throwing eye daggers on my back.

Now back to our regular scheduled programming : the album. I bought it. Two different editions of it, actually. Never listened to it. When it came out I was starting to feel a bit too burned out, and I'd either listen to the same songs I always end up listening, or I'd listen to nothing at all. So this remained on the backburner, waiting for me to one day pick it up. And I have to say that I really liked this album, moreso because it came after the ERR debacle. A very strong effort for sure, deserving of a good 8/10

Day 63 - Reverend Kristin Michael Hayter - 'SAVED!' 

Now, let me go back the stuff I tried listening to when I was trying to score some hot goth pussy. This lady here went by the name of Lingua Ignota, and while I found it roughly OK, it was mostly 'meh' with a capital 'M'. Now, I understand that there are people who like her sound, and hey more power to them. There's nothing wrong if something isn't for me, but it's for someone else. And after some very serious personal issues, this beautiful lady laid the Lingua Ignota moniker to rest and is now known as Reverend Kristin Michael Hayter. You know, I could sort of kind of guess this was maybe something religious? And you know what? It is. And I have no idea whether or not this is really religious or mock religious, but I do know that this was embarrassingly bad. Almost as bad as the ERR record, except this one actually has some 'melody'. And don't get me started in the idiocy that is the last song, where half of it is crying. It gets a 1/10, just edging out the ERR record by the tiniest fraction.

Day 64 - Marissa Nadler - 'New Radiations' 

Ah, back to the good stuff. There was this gorgeous girl I thought I had a shot with years ago - I didn't - that was my online friend. And she had the most amazing taste in music - like everything she posted I loved. One of her suggestions was the lovely Marissa Nadler. I can't be too sure if I ever listened to a full record or not, or if it was just random assorted songs, but I did know I really enjoyed her. So I listened to her latest, 2025's 'New Radiations', and by jove - I absolutely loved it. Again, maybe because it comes after such an awful experience with the previous day's records, it ended up feeling that much better of a palate cleanser. Be that as it may, this was a cracking one - title track 'New Radiations' is beautifully haunting. I suspect me and Marissa will be going on a lot more dates in the future.  Thoroughly deserving of a solid 8.5/10

More ladies to come. I'm putting off some decidedly painful listening to be had sometime soon.