The fire only destroys and though it may purify it takes takes takes and gives Nihil back.

When I was still alive, I had this sinking feeling - no, a certainty - that all that heaven and hell shit you read about in the bible and other places was actually something that was very real, and that all we do in life contributes to where we ultimately end up. And if, push came to shove, I had to tally up all of my life's deeds, then my most likely destination would be hell. I wasn't good enough, I didn't do good enough, I wasn't selfless enough, and I did a lot of things that were just low-key bad, things I thought wouldn't hurt anyone, but maybe it led to someone losing their job and then their family life went to shit, and the girl who was happily expecting suffered a miscarriage because all I did was put my hand in the till and swiped a few bucks om the daily, and all that, all that added up to me not being a good person at all, much to the contrary of what I'd always imagined.

One day, a few years back, I called it quits. I just couldn't do this anymore. I swallowed every pill I had on me (which were quite a lot) and I drank all the booze I had (which was enough) and I went to sleep with a name on my lips. As my eyes felt heavier and heavier, leaden with the weight of sin and bad decisions, I saw my soul fly from my dying carcass and hover above me. It was already making its way to hell even before I closed my eyes for the last time.

I expected an eternity of eternities of physical torment as I arrived in a colourless void that stretched out through infinity. Hell was a vast emptiness, and I wondered if my punishment was loneliness, because maybe that's what hell was. And maybe hell, to some people, is a forever of meat hooks piercing your flesh and stretching it taut, and ripping and tearing and pain so indescribable that it almost becomes pleasure. But I would not, alas, be so fortunate.

My soul wandered aimlessly through the yawning chasm of despair, in that gloom that enveloped me I finally sensed a flickering light in the far distance. As if a moth doomed to fly towards it, my ethereal self reached what to me seemed like a door, and it was, and it wasn't, it was the ghost of a door. I open the door, a door, I'd opened so many times when I was still alive, thousands and thousands of times, and I see myself laying on the floor of what was once my house, and at that moment in my life I was about to feel saved, at long last, salvation would be upon me. Across me on the floor, is my black cat, just a few months old, and I'm feeling emptied of any and all will to live. There lay I, and she inches away from me, and she stretches her tiny paw towards my face, and gently caresses it. That one grace, that one touch, and I felt my heart rekindle to life, I felt myself worthy of love once more.

Hope, however, is a non-existent comodity in hell. I am taken away from that moment and into another : before me lays another door, one I knew for a relatively short time only. I am pulled towards it and push it open. I hear my voice coming from the kitchen, exasperated, I'm not angry, but I am extremely tired and on the brink of putting myself in front of a train. The cats are hungry, and I am feeding them. First the kittens need to be fed, and as I prepare their food, my black cat is all over me, asking me for food, pleading me for food, and I talk to her and tell her I'll feed her in a few minutes, but she just won't stop. I finally put the food for the kittens in all the plates, and as I put them down on the floor where they eat, the black cat jumps towards the food, and I make a move to grab her but miss her, and I get frustrated and grab her just as she's about to start eating the kitten's food, but she fights back and one of her claws gets stuck on the mat where the food plates are, and I don't notice it and as I pull her away, everything comes crashing down, and now I'm really annoyed, and I throw her to the floor, and as she turns and looks at me, I kick her in frustration, and the worst part is that she doesn't even make a sound, she just stops and stares at me, and her eyes seem to be on the verge of tears, I'd betrayed her, I'd betrayed her love, I'd betrayed her trust, and as I try to catch her, to tell her I'm sorry, that I'm so so sorry, she runs away from me, and I ran after her, and the more I run after her, the farther away she gets from me, and I am now in a darkness so utterly devoid of life that I can't see anything.

My soul wandered aimlessly through the yawning chasm of despair, in that gloom that enveloped me I finally sensed a flickering light in the far distance. As if a moth doomed to fly towards it, my ethereal self reached what to me seemed like a door, and it was, and it wasn't, it was the ghost of a door. I open the door, a door, I'd opened so many times when I was still alive, thousands and thousands of times, and I see myself laying on the floor of what was once my house, and at that moment in my life I was about to feel saved, at long last, salvation would be upon me. Across me on the floor, is my black cat, just a few months old, and I'm feeling emptied of any and all will to live. There lay I, and she inches away from me, and she stretches her tiny paw towards my face, and gently caresses it. That one grace, that one touch, and I felt my heart rekindle to life, I felt myself worthy of love once more.

Hope, however, is a non-existent comodity in hell. I am taken away from that moment and into another : before me lays another door, one I knew for a relatively short time only. I am pulled towards it and push it open. I hear my voice coming from the kitchen, exasperated, I'm not angry, but I am extremely tired and on the brink of putting myself in front of a train. The cats are hungry, and I am feeding them. First the kittens need to be fed, and as I prepare their food, my black cat is all over me, asking me for food, pleading me for food, and I talk to her and tell her I'll feed her in a few minutes, but she just won't stop. I finally put the food for the kittens in all the plates, and as I put them down on the floor where they eat, the black cat jumps towards the food, and I make a move to grab her but miss her, and I get frustrated and grab her just as she's about to start eating the kitten's food, but she fights back and one of her claws gets stuck on the mat where the food plates are, and I don't notice it and as I pull her away, everything comes crashing down, and now I'm really annoyed, and I throw her to the floor, and as she turns and looks at me, I kick her in frustration, and the worst part is that she doesn't even make a sound, she just stops and stares at me, and her eyes seem to be on the verge of tears, I'd betrayed her, I'd betrayed her love, I'd betrayed her trust, and as I try to catch her, to tell her I'm sorry, that I'm so so sorry, she runs away from me, and I ran after her, and the more I run after her, the farther away she gets from me, and I am now in a darkness so utterly devoid of life that I can't see anything.

My soul wandered aimlessly through the yawning chasm of despair, in that gloom that enveloped me I finally sensed a flickering light in the far distance. As if a moth doomed to fly towards it, my ethereal self reached what to me seemed like a door, and it was, and it wasn't, it was the ghost of a door. I open the door, a door, I'd opened so many times when I was still alive, thousands and thousands of times, and I see myself laying on the floor of what was once my house, and at that moment in my life I was about to feel saved, at long last, salvation would be upon me. Across me on the floor, is my black cat, just a few months old, and I'm feeling emptied of any and all will to live. There lay I, and she inches away from me, and she stretches her tiny paw towards my face, and gently caresses it. That one grace, that one touch, and I felt my heart rekindle to life, I felt myself worthy of love once more.

Hope, however, is a non-existent comodity in hell. I am taken away from that moment and into another : before me lays another door, one I knew for a relatively short time only. I am pulled towards it and push it open. I hear my voice coming from the kitchen, exasperated, I'm not angry, but I am extremely tired and on the brink of putting myself in front of a train. The cats are hungry, and I am feeding them. First the kittens need to be fed, and as I prepare their food, my black cat is all over me, asking me for food, pleading me for food, and I talk to her and tell her I'll feed her in a few minutes, but she just won't stop. I finally put the food for the kittens in all the plates, and as I put them down on the floor where they eat, the black cat jumps towards the food, and I make a move to grab her but miss her, and I get frustrated and grab her just as she's about to start eating the kitten's food, but she fights back and one of her claws gets stuck on the mat where the food plates are, and I don't notice it and as I pull her away, everything comes crashing down, and now I'm really annoyed, and I throw her to the floor, and as she turns and looks at me, I kick her in frustration, and the worst part is that she doesn't even make a sound, she just stops and stares at me, and her eyes seem to be on the verge of tears, I'd betrayed her, I'd betrayed her love, I'd betrayed her trust, and as I try to catch her, to tell her I'm sorry, that I'm so so sorry, she runs away from me, and I ran after her, and the more I run after her, the farther away she gets from me, and I am now in a darkness so utterly devoid of life that I can't see anything.

My soul wandered aimlessly through the yawning chasm of despair, in that gloom that enveloped me I finally sensed a flickering light in the far distance. As if a moth doomed to fly towards it, my ethereal self reached what to me seemed like a door, and it was, and it wasn't, it was the ghost of a door. I open the door, a door, I'd opened so many times when I was still alive, thousands and thousands of times, and I see myself laying on the floor of what was once my house, and at that moment in my life I was about to feel saved, at long last, salvation would be upon me. Across me on the floor, is my black cat, just a few months old, and I'm feeling emptied of any and all will to live. There lay I, and she inches away from me, and she stretches her tiny paw towards my face, and gently caresses it. That one grace, that one touch, and I felt my heart rekindle to life, I felt myself worthy of love once more.

Hope, however, is a non-existent comodity in hell. I am taken away from that moment and into another : before me lays another door, one I knew for a relatively short time only. I am pulled towards it and push it open. I hear my voice coming from the kitchen, exasperated, I'm not angry, but I am extremely tired and on the brink of putting myself in front of a train. The cats are hungry, and I am feeding them. First the kittens need to be fed, and as I prepare their food, my black cat is all over me, asking me for food, pleading me for food, and I talk to her and tell her I'll feed her in a few minutes, but she just won't stop. I finally put the food for the kittens in all the plates, and as I put them down on the floor where they eat, the black cat jumps towards the food, and I make a move to grab her but miss her, and I get frustrated and grab her just as she's about to start eating the kitten's food, but she fights back and one of her claws gets stuck on the mat where the food plates are, and I don't notice it and as I pull her away, everything comes crashing down, and now I'm really annoyed, and I throw her to the floor, and as she turns and looks at me, I kick her in frustration, and the worst part is that she doesn't even make a sound, she just stops and stares at me, and her eyes seem to be on the verge of tears, I'd betrayed her, I'd betrayed her love, I'd betrayed her trust, and as I try to catch her, to tell her I'm sorry, that I'm so so sorry, she runs away from me, and I ran after her, and the more I run after her, the farther away she gets from me, and I am now in a darkness so utterly devoid of life that I can't see anything.

My soul wandered aimlessly through the yawning chasm of despair, in that gloom that enveloped me I finally sensed a flickering light in the far distance. As if a moth doomed to fly towards it, my ethereal self reached what to me seemed like a door, and it was, and it wasn't, it was the ghost of a door. I open the door, a door, I'd opened so many times when I was still alive, thousands and thousands of times, and I see myself laying on the floor of what was once my house, and at that moment in my life I was about to feel saved, at long last, salvation would be upon me. Across me on the floor, is my black cat, just a few months old, and I'm feeling emptied of any and all will to live. There lay I, and she inches away from me, and she stretches her tiny paw towards my face, and gently caresses it. That one grace, that one touch, and I felt my heart rekindle to life, I felt myself worthy of love once more.

Hope, however, is a non-existent comodity in hell. I am taken away from that moment and into another : before me lays another door, one I knew for a relatively short time only. I am pulled towards it and push it open. I hear my voice coming from the kitchen, exasperated, I'm not angry, but I am extremely tired and on the brink of putting myself in front of a train. The cats are hungry, and I am feeding them. First the kittens need to be fed, and as I prepare their food, my black cat is all over me, asking me for food, pleading me for food, and I talk to her and tell her I'll feed her in a few minutes, but she just won't stop. I finally put the food for the kittens in all the plates, and as I put them down on the floor where they eat, the black cat jumps towards the food, and I make a move to grab her but miss her, and I get frustrated and grab her just as she's about to start eating the kitten's food, but she fights back and one of her claws gets stuck on the mat where the food plates are, and I don't notice it and as I pull her away, everything comes crashing down, and now I'm really annoyed, and I throw her to the floor, and as she turns and looks at me, I kick her in frustration, and the worst part is that she doesn't even make a sound, she just stops and stares at me, and her eyes seem to be on the verge of tears, I'd betrayed her, I'd betrayed her love, I'd betrayed her trust, and as I try to catch her, to tell her I'm sorry, that I'm so so sorry, she runs away from me, and I ran after her, and the more I run after her, the farther away she gets from me, and I am now in a darkness so utterly devoid of life that I can't see anything.

My soul wandered aimlessly through the yawning chasm of despair, in that gloom that enveloped me I finally sensed a flickering light in the far distance. As if a moth doomed to fly towards it, my ethereal self reached what to me seemed like a door, and it was, and it wasn't, it was the ghost of a door. I open the door, a door, I'd opened so many times when I was still alive, thousands and thousands of times, and I see myself laying on the floor of what was once my house, and at that moment in my life I was about to feel saved, at long last, salvation would be upon me. Across me on the floor, is my black cat, just a few months old, and I'm feeling emptied of any and all will to live. There lay I, and she inches away from me, and she stretches her tiny paw towards my face, and gently caresses it. That one grace, that one touch, and I felt my heart rekindle to life, I felt myself worthy of love once more.

Hope, however, is a non-existent comodity in hell. I am taken away from that moment and into another : before me lays another door, one I knew for a relatively short time only. I am pulled towards it and push it open. I hear my voice coming from the kitchen, exasperated, I'm not angry, but I am extremely tired and on the brink of putting myself in front of a train. The cats are hungry, and I am feeding them. First the kittens need to be fed, and as I prepare their food, my black cat is all over me, asking me for food, pleading me for food, and I talk to her and tell her I'll feed her in a few minutes, but she just won't stop. I finally put the food for the kittens in all the plates, and as I put them down on the floor where they eat, the black cat jumps towards the food, and I make a move to grab her but miss her, and I get frustrated and grab her just as she's about to start eating the kitten's food, but she fights back and one of her claws gets stuck on the mat where the food plates are, and I don't notice it and as I pull her away, everything comes crashing down, and now I'm really annoyed, and I throw her to the floor, and as she turns and looks at me, I kick her in frustration, and the worst part is that she doesn't even make a sound, she just stops and stares at me, and her eyes seem to be on the verge of tears, I'd betrayed her, I'd betrayed her love, I'd betrayed her trust, and as I try to catch her, to tell her I'm sorry, that I'm so so sorry, she runs away from me, and I ran after her, and the more I run after her, the farther away she gets from me, and I am now in a darkness so utterly devoid of life that I can't see anything.

My soul wandered aimlessly through the yawning chasm of despair, in that gloom that enveloped me I finally sensed a flickering light in the far distance. As if a moth doomed to fly towards it, my ethereal self reached what to me seemed like a door, and it was, and it wasn't, it was the ghost of a door. I open the door, a door, I'd opened so many times when I was still alive, thousands and thousands of times, and I see myself laying on the floor of what was once my house, and at that moment in my life I was about to feel saved, at long last, salvation would be upon me. Across me on the floor, is my black cat, just a few months old, and I'm feeling emptied of any and all will to live. There lay I, and she inches away from me, and she stretches her tiny paw towards my face, and gently caresses it. That one grace, that one touch, and I felt my heart rekindle to life, I felt myself worthy of love once more.

Hope, however, is a non-existent comodity in hell. I am taken away from that moment and into another : before me lays another door, one I knew for a relatively short time only. I am pulled towards it and push it open. I hear my voice coming from the kitchen, exasperated, I'm not angry, but I am extremely tired and on the brink of putting myself in front of a train. The cats are hungry, and I am feeding them. First the kittens need to be fed, and as I prepare their food, my black cat is all over me, asking me for food, pleading me for food, and I talk to her and tell her I'll feed her in a few minutes, but she just won't stop. I finally put the food for the kittens in all the plates, and as I put them down on the floor where they eat, the black cat jumps towards the food, and I make a move to grab her but miss her, and I get frustrated and grab her just as she's about to start eating the kitten's food, but she fights back and one of her claws gets stuck on the mat where the food plates are, and I don't notice it and as I pull her away, everything comes crashing down, and now I'm really annoyed, and I throw her to the floor, and as she turns and looks at me, I kick her in frustration, and the worst part is that she doesn't even make a sound, she just stops and stares at me, and her eyes seem to be on the verge of tears, I'd betrayed her, I'd betrayed her love, I'd betrayed her trust, and as I try to catch her, to tell her I'm sorry, that I'm so so sorry, she runs away from me, and I ran after her, and the more I run after her, the farther away she gets from me, and I am now in a darkness so utterly devoid of life that I can't see anything.

My soul wandered aimlessly through the yawning chasm of despair, in that gloom that enveloped me I finally sensed a flickering light in the far distance. As if a moth doomed to fly towards it, my ethereal self reached what to me seemed like a door, and it was, and it wasn't, it was the ghost of a door. I open the door, a door, I'd opened so many times when I was still alive, thousands and thousands of times, and I see myself laying on the floor of what was once my house, and at that moment in my life I was about to feel saved, at long last, salvation would be upon me. Across me on the floor, is my black cat, just a few months old, and I'm feeling emptied of any and all will to live. There lay I, and she inches away from me, and she stretches her tiny paw towards my face, and gently caresses it. That one grace, that one touch, and I felt my heart rekindle to life, I felt myself worthy of love once more.

Hope, however, is a non-existent comodity in hell. I am taken away from that moment and into another : before me lays another door, one I knew for a relatively short time only. I am pulled towards it and push it open. I hear my voice coming from the kitchen, exasperated, I'm not angry, but I am extremely tired and on the brink of putting myself in front of a train. The cats are hungry, and I am feeding them. First the kittens need to be fed, and as I prepare their food, my black cat is all over me, asking me for food, pleading me for food, and I talk to her and tell her I'll feed her in a few minutes, but she just won't stop. I finally put the food for the kittens in all the plates, and as I put them down on the floor where they eat, the black cat jumps towards the food, and I make a move to grab her but miss her, and I get frustrated and grab her just as she's about to start eating the kitten's food, but she fights back and one of her claws gets stuck on the mat where the food plates are, and I don't notice it and as I pull her away, everything comes crashing down, and now I'm really annoyed, and I throw her to the floor, and as she turns and looks at me, I kick her in frustration, and the worst part is that she doesn't even make a sound, she just stops and stares at me, and her eyes seem to be on the verge of tears, I'd betrayed her, I'd betrayed her love, I'd betrayed her trust, and as I try to catch her, to tell her I'm sorry, that I'm so so sorry, she runs away from me, and I ran after her, and the more I run after her, the farther away she gets from me, and I am now in a darkness so utterly devoid of life that I can't see anything.

This is what hell is for me. I have to relive my worst moment forever and for ever. I would welcome whatever eternities filled with meat hooks and surgical instruments and whichever tortures the devils in hell could conjure - none would be as painful as knowing you're about to do an act of evil that can never be undone, and though you wish with all that's left of you that you could somehow make it stop, make like it never happened, it's too late, it's already too late, it will always be too late.